Rambling to myself

I have decided I don't have enough adult content to merit having limits on viewers. Everything is public and some of it was very depressive and might be only safe for 13+. Thank you for reading and I hope you learn something about me.

After much soul searching and reality testing I have made my decision. The so called fake key and the hacker don't exist. I hear them, I notice things, but much like the spiders I see at night they aren't there no matter how frightened I am. The only evidence I have is a neighbor talking about keys (next to her car, maybe she lost her car keys?) and two people in a recorded conversation saying some rumor (possibly about me). It's a delusion, paranoia, hallucination that exists in my imagination only. This post is the last thing I need to reality test.

Hope everyone is doing well, see you in x amount of time.

I do not have control over how you react to me. All I can control is how I react.

I'm doing good. My net detox is on hold, because I can't quit two bad habits simultaneously.
I still think about entries to write nearly everyday, but it feels like I'm feeding off your attention and I don't like that (the tiny attention this poor blog gets).

harrietbrown saved me in a dark deep depression. I'm not exactly sure how I survived it, but she helped. I take meds for it now and go to therapy. Some of the entries were from it and they really were written to be private, but I am too lazy to go through 2000 entries to delete all the bad ones.

I've been writing for an audience now for about 20 years, but I have no idea how to manage the fall out from this blog and it seems to be set on easy. I also still can't write well and that's frustrating too, because I want everything to be great, but it's not.

Hope you made Valentines day a good one. I spent the day and night with Tom. We watched Star Trek and went out to eat twice.

Thanks for reading!

PS
Here are the lyrics for the song listed:
"All these impermanent things
Oh how they fool me
Dominate and rule me
They keep me waiting here forever
All these impermanent things
Well their beauty's never aging
But their worthlessness's enraging
You know we all stand alone when we're together
Why keep hanging on
To things that never stay
Things that just keep stringin' us along
From day to day
All these impermanent things
Present yet elusive
Passive yet abusive
Tearing out the heart in utter silence
All these impermanent things
Well they point in all directions
Like secondhand reflections
And they're leading us to subtle shades of violence
Why keep hanging on
To things that never stay
Things that just keep stringin' us along
From day to day
All these impermanent things
Well they're trying to convince me
Baptize my soul and rinse me
Purge my mind of honesty and fire
All these impermanent things
Well they all add up to zero
They make-believe that they're my hero
Then they fill my mind with doubt and false desires
Why keep hanging on
To things that never stay
Things that just keep stringin' us along
From day to day"

corrinechancellor@hotmail.com

“If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”

― Socrates

please visit my boyfriend's site: https://theblackandthegreen3.blogspot.com/

Take care!
Corrine

My boyfriend has been very upset, because google won't index his blog very much.
He tries to promote it on Facebook and they flag it as spam.
He has been depressed and angry.
If you have any inclination towards liberal politics, ethnic studies (think fighting racism), or history of the iraq war and possibly insightful tv quips you'll like it.
This is Tom the guy I have been dating for about a year and a half now.
If you can help him out it would be greatly appreciated.
https://theblackandthegreen3.blogspot.com/

Who disturbs my slumber?
grumpy bear strikes back
at white hats
& wounded soul
bad poems
needed sleep
good night

So who is Tom?
Tom is my boyfriend.
Here is the story:
I'm actually getting shy now after all these years in the spotlight.
I was terrified to get into a relationship, but a therapist convinced me to date.
I was like no.
Then this guy I kinda had a crush on asked me out he seemed like a good guy and he had a blog like I do. He loved movies and that felt familiar and safe. So I thought for a minute and said yes. (It had been 5 years since Karl had left. I realized he was never coming back, because I had harassed him and pissed him off and damaged that relationship too much with indecisiveness and neediness. )
It's going well and we love each other.
We watch movies together, play cards and swim.
It's fun and he is a good person too.
I talk about Karl with him sometimes, good things mostly, I say I was in love with him.
I don't think Karl is a sociopath. I don't think it's up to me though or that it's mine or the internet's business. All I know is I saw Karl save a bicyclist from a bus about to hit him. He's brave sometimes. I saw it with my own two eyes. and Karl never stole from me or ever cheated me for rent or anything. He never even stole food from me. He's honest.
I tell people about my mental health diagnoses in order to help the stigma, but going around insulting people of another isn't right.
There are people with sociopathic diagnoses on the internet who are making better for themselves, but I don't want to invite people to gawk at them. I'm just saying they are people, mostly nonviolent. who are often traumatized and have things to work through. I can't write this blog without Jason and Karling and that drives me bonkers.

I spent so much time in therapy getting over that. It feels like somebody needs it for their identity. I don't know what to tell you. Find music you like to listen to.
If you can't find what you like, try spotify. Find one song you like and listen from there.
If you need a job, take those personality tests. None of them will tell you to work retail or food service, but they might tell you to be a chef or an artist and those things could be related to a job in an easier to get field when you're young. The best thing is to attend college. Everyone goes for money, but those tests is what keep you motivated. Do something that interests you. I picked art, there is no demand. But I have plenty of experience in computers and it has high demand and I can't get a single bite. My passion is art and I get plenty of interest in me. Employers know when you feel lackluster about something. I can't think of any other loose ends.



To my old neighbors,

It fills my heart with sorrow that I said remarks about reverse racism, reverse racism doesn't exist.

Secondly I wish I could have rented out my house to my neighbor, but I was under a contract forbidding so.
We could have been roommates and I would have been fine with that, but he didn't ask and I didn't think of that.
I still might have said no, because I said no to two friends, because my last roommate was hard to live with.

I got paranoid and wrote about you in my blog, one person saw it, she lives in New York, she has no online activity. It has since gone private and I don't even have access to livejournal at home.

I'm mentally ill that's why I yelled out the window and punched the armour.

As long as it harms none I want to right these wrongs.

I decided to drop by while my boyfriend is napping for 20 minutes. I miss you all and want to send you love and hugs. Life is going well and I'm feeling much better, I'm no longer regularly suicidal or continually resentful. I laugh and smile a lot more and use the computer less. I do miss writing though and socializing with you all. Treat yourselves kindly and thank you so much for everything! I'm sorry if this journal has adult content, it's obscure and on the internet, I'm sure you'll find far worse things online. *TRIGGER WARNING* THIS JOURNAL CONTAINS TRIGGERING CONTENT LIKE ABUSE and ADULT TOPICS. thank you.

PS
I changed my username to be my anonymous name, because why not?